Barriers

So many of em.

I keep stumbling against them and fall back down whenever I catch the rope to climb them. I try and try again, but I always end back on the floor.

 

So recently I joined this ”models, photographers and make up artists”-group on facebook. Because yes, that model dream is still there.

So I was casually browsing that page today, and some people were asking models for really fun and exciting projects that I would LOVE to be a part in. Also browsing some moodboards posted by photographers that almost had me click the contact button and write a message.

Almost.

Then I bumped headfirst into two barriers.
The first being my financial situation, meaning I can’t travel.

The second being my insecurity.
I have a nice figure if I may say so, but I lack fair skin.  And that, is my biggest insecurity. I am scared of being rejected because of that. Which brings me back to that barrier.

Sometimes I’m doubting if I shouldn’t just give up. But I don’t want to give up, so I just keep trying to get over it but siiigh.

Just wanted to write that down :3

 

Imzel~

Scary thoughts, which are also quite nice

YES I have been thinking again. I never stop, so you better get used to it =w= [If you haven't already]

First.

Some of my friends said a few times that I should consider doing modelling work. And I did, I consider it quite often actually. Truth be told, doing modelling work would be a secret dream come true. I recently had a photoshoot with a friend of mine, and I have another fotoshoot with an other friend in about 1,5 month. I like doing photoshoots. Not only before but also behind the camera. It gives me a certain kind of joy. A few days ago, when walking home from the station, I started daydreaming. ‘What if I did some modelling jobs here and there once in a while’. And then I got scared. I-almost-crapped-my-pants kind of scared. And I began to think why. I mean, I love to try new things. Why does this particular one scare me so much? Is it the competition? I’m obviously not the only one with this dream. No, I’m scared of pressure. It may sound silly, but yeah.
However, a cute webshop I’ve been following for a while on twitter and facebook was looking for campaign models so I just send an e-mail to sign up. Will hear if I made it around 31st of May. Soyeah, cross your limbs for me?
I signed up on a whim, but baby steps are also steps.

Second;

My financial situation at the moment is crap. BUT, I decided that if by October this year, it’ll be better, I’m going on a trip. Abroad. Probably alone. WHICH IS SCARY AS FUCK Seeing I have never gone abroad on my own. Ever. JesusFuckingChrist I’m 20 years old already, so it’s about time isn’t it? Where I will be going?
The UK.
I´m planning on using my entire autumn holiday [mo-fri] to travel through the UK and -finally- visit some UK friends : ) If I have enough money by then to make it happen, it’s going to be SCARY AS FUCK. Especially if I’m going alone. JesusFuckingChrist I’m already shitting my pants just thinking about it. But also very excited. Yay new experiences! Expanding my boundaries /owo/
TBH, I’m not actually counting on it happening. But I can dream.

Erhm yeah that’s about it for this time!  x’]

Love,

Imzel~

Procrastination

PROCRASTINAAAAATE

PROCRASTINAAAAAATE

 

I should be doing other stuff right now. But I don’t know how to start/have a writersblock/feel like I don’t have enough info/more excuses.

So I’m just sitting here procrastinating.

Listening to Glee music

Transferring games to my PSP

Facebook

Twitter

Thinking about more stuff to do

 

PROCRASTINAAAAATE

 

Love,

Imzel~

 

Mandatory Blogpost.

Nothing interesting actually.

 

 

22nd this month I’ll be having my one-year anniversary with Markje <3

The world better not end the day before.

What I’ve been up to lately

It’s been a while, October has passed. What have I been up to?

Well I’ve been to First Look, which was awesome. But crowded. Everywhere were long lines so we didn’t actually get to do something. So we went into Utrecht, to the Mediamarkt/E-Plaza and the arcade. Then some foodz at McDonalds, grabbed something to drink at Starbucks and went back home.

Then was F.A.C.T.S. Was also fun. Also crowded. Saw a lot of friends though! And got an awesome Star Wars t-shirt from my boyfriend for my birthday <3 But OMYGOD soooo much Star Wars merchandise!  *^* Good thing I ain’t rich. It was fun yesh :3 Saw awesome cosplays, and seeing some friends again after quite some time was amazing, I missed some of ‘em so much ;w;
The day after we went to Cynnick which was fun too :3 Cyncyn made Roti and we watched When in Rome~

Then, My birthday!
It was okay. Markje and Nick came over which was fun~ Family came over which was okay.
Loot;
-R2D2 plush with sound <3
-Kneipp Citrus showergel :D
-The Body Shop Aloe Mask :D
-Project Diva 2nd for my PSP! :D
-Cozy slippers :33 [SOVERYCOZY]
-Cute Earwarmers :33
-A coupon for the cinema :3 [Cinemaaaa~]
And a bouquet of flowers and some moneyz. Lovely Loot, love all of it :D

The day after, Aurynween! Also a lot of fun! Met some wonderful people there :3 After I went to the Mangakissa in Utrecht which was also fun~

Soyeah that’s what I’ve been up to lately!  Coming weekends is going to be quite boring, bleeegh ;w; Well there’s going to be Nishicon and a lovely weekend at the boyfriend’s :D
Further I’ve been GLUED to my PSP. I mean seriously. Now I’ve updated it AND have project diva 2nd for it, I am gaming alot. Mostly Project Diva and God Eater Burst ^__^

Well that was it actually! Till next time~

Love,

Immi~

Some fun things that happened and are going to happen

At the moment I’m feeling quite crap, so I’m using this blogpost to list some fun things that happened the past few weeks, and some fun things that are going to happen in the coming weeks.

Seriously, I really need to blog more on this. Andstuff.

Fun stuff that happened in the past few weeks.

 

Abunai! 2012 – The Incredible Journey

Ofcourse, Abunai! Duh. Stayed from thursday till monday this time. Was fucking awesome again. Steward again, so much fun :3  I like having to do stuff and being busy. Wow, never thought I’d say that, lol. But it was so much fun! Also because I knew more people then last year [duh]. For me, it was probably the best convention I’ve been to since I’ve started going to conventions [which is 2008]. I just love all those people, and when it was over I had an ‘after-convention-depression’ for over a week. So lonely! Especially when you’ve been surrounded by a lot of people for 4-5 days. I honestly can’t wait till next year’s, even though it has a horror theme and I hate horror.

Fun weekend followed by Holiday
Holiday, Vacation, yay! I hadn’t been on a holiday since my little sister was born [she is 13 now, so go figure]. But first to cynnick [these are two people, I just fused their names together. I'm such a genius], oh god felt so good to be among people again <3 I also missed their kittehs, ghehe x3 On saturday boyfriend joined. Again, it felt so good to be gone from home and be among normal [okay maybe not really but you get my drift] people. On sunday Fhantalonman joined and more fun, yay :D
On monday, VACATIONHOLIDAY TIEM.
The house we spend our midweek in was lovely<3 First day I cooked, and don’t worry, nobody died ;D Our week consisted of chilling, feeding ducks, went bowling and minigolfing and on wednesday we went to Beekse Bergen, a safaripark. So much fun~!
It felt so good and safe to sleep next to my boyfriend from saturday till friday <3 [Thus my bed looked even more empty when I came home, fml. But I'll be seeing him again this weekend <3]

Fun things that are going to happen in the next coming weeks

FirstLook.
Firstlook is a Gaming-event in the Utrecht in the first weekend of October, I might not be a big gamer andsuch, but that doesn’t matter. I can still go and have fun, right?! :D

FACTS convention
Yay FACTS! Been wanting to go for the last 3/4 years owO Soo will be going with my boyfriend <3 Only on Saturday though, seeing as it is an almost two hour drive [Holy shiet, need to stock up on energy drink to stay awake xD because the long drive means we have to get up early .w.] Still need to figure out what we’re going to wear, or if we’re going casual :o [Markje has it easy, he could just go as the 9th doctor :I ]

MAH BIRTHDAY and Aurynween
I will be reaching the age of twenty this year. Holy shiet. GOODBYE MY PRECIOUS TEENAGE YEARS. No but seriously, where has the time gone? Dayum. Just going to celebrate it with family, markje and cynnick the day before.
On my actual birthday, sunday the 28th, I’ll be going to Aurynween! A halloween party, yay :D Still need to figure out what I’ll wear .w. But I still have about a month so that’s enough time. Right? Hope so. And it’s pretty far away, but someone who lives not too far away from me goes with car and offered to take me with her, so sweet! <3

 

 

And then in november there’s [maybe] arcom halloween and nishicon.  But that’s november, First I need to survive october!

 

Love Immi~

 

question.

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There’s something I’ve been wondering for a while. Something I can’t seem to get out of my mind, and it bothers me. Not the thing itself, but it being stuck in my head. So I’m just writing it off on here like I always do (:

I just wonder.. what is it that makes me different then other? What makes me ‘special’ ?
I don’t get it, I have this feeling that I could be easily replaced andstuff.

It’s silly, and stupid, I know. I don’t even expect answers.

I just wanted to write it off, that’s all.

 

Love, Immi~

Piece of mind.

You know those moods when every little thing annoys you and don’t feel like doing anything?

The last couple of weeks, I have these moods way too often. One moment I feel happy and content, and then something really small has to happen and I get annoyed by every little thing. Be it a word, an image, anything. And then I go overthinking lots of stuff, think too much about things, and I feel sad. Sad, annoyed and not feeling like anything at all. And then I just break down and cry. I act all normal and happy-ish on the internet, but actually I’m crying and wanting to snuggle against someone and just cry and cry untill I fall asleep from pure exhaustion.

I think that it comes close to moodswings, I guess. And I HATE, HATE, HATE it. Also because I have a gut feeling that the over thinking and sadness comes from insecurity. Wich makes me hate it even more. I don’t want to feel insecure about every godfuckingdamned thing. I just want to smile from the heart and be happy. And be able to say ‘I’m fine, nothings wrong’ without feeling like I lied.

I just want to sit here, with my laptop on my comfortable bed, without any big things going wrong and just live my everyday life without worrying to much. Ofcourse, there are always things going wrong, but let it be small things! Like, being out of cheese or something. Or forgetting to do laundry so you have to recycle dirty clothing.

 

In the end it comes down to me [over]thinking too much, me being too insecure, and me being too emotional. Also hateful that it takes so long to work on those things. And when I have finally almost reached that level of okay-ness I want, something goes wrong and I collapse and can start al over again. Uguuh. Hopefully, in a few years, I will be able to leave all that behind me and be awesome and glorious.

 

Just wanted to write that off.

Immi~

Song || The Beauty and the Tragedy by Trading Yesterday

I love listening to this song. It’ makes me calm and comforts me in a weird way. A lot of songs from Trading Yesterday do, actually. But I will share only one today (:

 

Lyrics;

Watch your step, love is broken
I am every tear you cry
Save your breath, your heart has spoken
You already have my life

For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up and tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that’s barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars only love

Another day, another sunrise
Washing over everything
In it’s time, love will be mine
The beauty and the tragedy

 

 

Love, Immi~

I’ve been thinking… || Plans for the future

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I’ve been thinking.
This month I’ll be living back at my parent’s place for a year. Before that I lived on my own for a year. I realized this yesterday.
And it got me thinking. Now isn’t it a secret that I tend to think too much, I know. Still not sure if good or bad thing. But alas, I can’t prevent it from happening ghehe.

So yeah, I’ve been pondering andstuff. And I decided that my main goal for this year is to live on my own again by december. For that I need to save up a lot of money, but I got a job now. Even though it’s just for five weeks, since they wanted people for summer holidays. But after those five weeks I plan on staying with that company. Probably won’t get as many hours, but it pays. And that is what matters for me at the moment.
I’ve also decided that I want to stay at my parent’s untill at least october, so I can save up money untill then and move out as soon as I find something decent around november. Might not be my brightest idea, but yeah. I just want to have enough money to survive for at least two months on my own. Because I don’t think it will be that easy to get a new job.
Even though I want to do the same as I am going to do now. But it’s a different city andstuff so who knows?

It might sound weird and even as I have not been thinking good about it at all, but it’s hard to explain on paper (screen?).

 

Because, you know? During winter I just want to lay on my own damn couch, with the candles on, snacks, a series and a cozy blanket. Oh and don’t forget a good cup of tea. Or a good book instead of a series. Even the boyfriend can come visit in the evenings if he wants.
As long as he doesn’t take my spot on the couch.

It would be perfect if I also would have a cat to bug me. Cats are awesome. And fluffy.

 

 

Immi~

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